About awakening. Nukunu.
I had been looking and searching here and there, often desperate for something. My heart was screaming for a fulfillment that was missing. I crossed many paths and I committed myself wholeheartedly every time. I did what I could to a point where all efforts dropped away. I did not know what more to do. I did not decide to stop the effort! It is more right to say that it stopped by itself. I was just here and now, present, because the search had stopped. One morning, on the balcony of a little guesthouse in Rishikesh, sipping my morning coffee, enjoying the beautiful Himalayan Mountains, the door opened by itself. Something happened that I could never have preconceived. In one split second I was totally uprooted, the person I used to rely on as my life and my center, was in that moment reduced to just a thought-form among other thoughts and for the first time I experienced a real contentment.
It was not an understanding, it was “innerstanding” everything. It was a shift in consciousness. A by-product of this shift was a gratitude beyond description to everything and everybody that I had come across, because I had a deep, unshakeable knowing that every situation and person that I had encountered so far in my life had been pieces in the jigsaw puzzle called Nukunu!
I cannot say for sure why this happened to me that day. Suddenly this discontinuity for no apparent reason. I would rather say that it happened because of the absence of a reason.
There was no effort, striving, desiring in the mind that morning, and that desirelessness was not a product of my activity, because if that had been the case, there would still have been an effort! It simply cannot be done, because the very doing prevents it. It is more like an involuntary let go! The first year after this death and rebirth was Heaven and Hell. It was like walking on a razor´s edge. I learned to live as an “open hand” instead of a “fist”. The old mind knew nothing about real trust – total nakedness. It only knew hope and fear. The open hand is total unconditional trust. I experienced a falling back into the dual sense of separation whenever the mind, out of old habit, would grasp and reject. On one level the old mind could still assert its power, on another level the shift had inevitably happened – there was no returning back. My experience is that the awakening is happening from a very deep place, deeper than the conscious mind.
Enlightenment is incomparable because it is not “a thing”, it is not a something…
Still I totally agree with the old Zen-Patriarchs. In every breath I practise and cultivate. Why? Because Enlightenment is not some final product that “you can have”.
Meditate on this little story:
” A saltdoll went to the big ocean with the intention to measure its depth. Upon diving into the depth, the saltdoll slowly dissolved…”
What is my work in my Satsangs and retreats? It is to be a mirror, it is to ignite in the participants the wave of awakening that is already present, so to say, in everyone. It is a resonance effect. I am a bell ringing; if you hang out with people like me, your bell will also start ringing: